


Pain, in exchange

by keitolino



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Angst, Comfort Sex, M/M, Self-Harm, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 17:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2119155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keitolino/pseuds/keitolino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keito finds himself in a somewhat destructive relationship with Inoo; taking pain in exchange for his love. Not giving up on Inoo, he is on the edge of falling apart- and Hikaru gives him advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pain, in exchange

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Princessino](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princessino/gifts).



The sun was shining brightly on earth, as Keito took a walk and ended up visiting his boyfriend – Inoo. He knocked on his door, waiting a few moments and then decided to open it by himself. It's been a while since they got together, so both of them decided to share keys of each their apartments. „Kei-chan, it's me – Kei-chan!“

He couldn't find his boyfriend at first, and so decided to continue walking through the rooms. Inoo was sitting in front of his bed; hugging his legs and resting his head on top of his knees. The room was dark; and it was hard for Keito to make him out at first glance. „Are you there?“ A quiet sniveling interrupted the silence in the room.

In front of Inoo there were tissues – soaked in blood. There was also a razor, and Keito could also smell the stinging scent of tabac in the air. “Kei-chan, don't tell me... you did it again?” He stepped closer.

“Don't come any closer. Leave, I don't want you here.” Inoo was complaining in a little voice, and it was shaking. “I don't need you, I don't need anybody.” Keito swallowed and stopped his steps. He looked down to Inoo, curled up in a ball of despair and pain. The blood was still dripping from his sleeves, the cigarette his fingers got a hold of was burning low. Keito frowned. “Kei-chan, why do you say these words?”

„I hate you, I really hate you. You don't bring me any good.“

 

**

 

Each and every of Inoo's word pierced Keito's heart heavily, but at the same time he knew Inoo didn't mean it like that. Inoo was suffering a personality disorder and at times, blackouts would occur. He'd hurt himself; but would also hurt Keito if he was any closer to him than some feet apart. Some months ago it happened that Inoo attacked Keito during his sleep, strangling him and insulting him. Still, Keito loved him and tried his best to support and keep him calm. 

“Here, have some tea, Kei-chan” The younger one said and stepped back into the room. Inoo has fully calmed down and was lying on the bed now. The sheets were sprinkled with blood. Looking at him like this, Keito felt immense pain and despair building up inside himself. He wanted to help Inoo – but he couldn't. “I'm so sorry, Kei-chan”, Inoo replied and sat up. 

Keito wrapped his arms around Inoo and kissed his forehead. “You're the only reason I'm trying-”, Inoo whispered and sighed deeply. “I know” Keito smiled at his boyfriend and held back his tears. 

 

**

 

Hikaru wrapped his arms around the younger one. “Ssh--” He stroked Keito's hair – soaking wet from the rain; also partly from his tears – and sighed deeply. “I can't watch you any longer being hurt like this...” Whenever Keito got hurt by Inoo, or they fought, or anything else happened; Hikaru was always his first shelter. 

Keito bit his lip. His eyes were twitching until shortly after, many little sparkling tears – just like glowing diamonds – found their ways down his cheek. He sobbed. Gently rubbing his back, Hikaru hugged him tighter, giving him more comfort and support. 

Even though the younger one tried his hardest not to become weak in front of his best friend Hikaru – he didn't succeed and gave in to all the pain his chest was holding. He bursted into loud cries; interrupted by heartbreaking sobbing. The tears seemed to endlessly flow down his flawless skinned cheeks. “It's okay Keito. Let it out.”

Hikaru was just there, hugging his friend and trying his best to comfort him. He gave him all the time he needed – all the words he wanted to hear and all the cuddles to make him feel better. Eventually, Keito would start talking and explaining things – and in the end, calm down. “Thank you”

It hurt – it hurt Hikaru a lot seeing Keito like this. To watch Keito break down, overflowing with tears and cringing in pain hurt Hikaru more than anything before. Most of all, the hugest pain was that he didn't know how to help him – but he knew he had to, in order for Keito not to break apart.

 

**

 

Keito's cheeks were slightly red – blushing – his eyes were closed. His trembling body, overflown with goosebumps was embraced with Hikaru's warm love. Moving rhythmically but gently, the older one softly caressed Keito's neck; kissing it. Keito wrapped his arms around Hikaru and for once in a long time forgot all the pain, all the trouble and all the mess going on. He felt at ease – and he didn't want it to end.

 

**

 

It was already late at night when Keito slid his delicate body out of the bed, leaving dirty sheets and blankets behind. In the middle of that – Hikaru. The younger one kept staring at Hikaru for some more moments before he started to pick up his clothes and get dressed. Keito closes his eyes and feels the tears coming up, swallowing them, he looked at Hikaru again. “This was the hugest mistake I could have ever made...”, he murmured and turned around to leave the room.

“How should I explain things to Kei-chan...” He closed the door behind him and got surprised by a very familiar voice in front of him. Down the dark hallway, there was a person. “You don't need to explain anything to me anymore.” It was Inoo.

Keito looked at him in horror. “Kei-chan, why are you here?” Keito's voice broke off in the middle of the question, leading Inoo to giggle sarcastically. Inoo looked at him – it was the same Inoo that Keito had left behind this morning, but the look on his face had drastically changed. “Is this what you wanted? Was it fun? Playing with me, until I trust you – and then break me down?” Even before Keito was able to answer, Inoo turned around and left the building. “I hate you, Okamoto”

The younger boy continued to look into the night as he lost the ground. 

 

**

 

“Open the door and let me in, now!” Keito yelled and pushed Inoo away from the door of his apartment. He walked in and locked the door behind him. Inoo stared at him in fear. He wasn't used to see Keito in rage, not even once Keito raised his voice or even hand against Inoo. It was Inoo – always Inoo, who gave Keito pain in exchange for love. The older one wrapped his arms around his chest, partly for self defense; partly to prevent from falling apart.

“Do you even know what I am going through?” Keito yelled and threw a couple of Inoo's decoration on the floor. “Do you even know how I feel when I see you slicing your wrists and cut opening your body in your room?” He ruffled his hair. “Can you even imagine how much it hurts to be afraid to lose the person you love the most, day by day?”

Inoo was staring at Keito in surprise, listened closely but didn't say a word. He hugged himself tighter and then yelled out loud. “You cheated on me!” He threw his hands up to cover his ears. “You're not even serious about me!” Keito continued throwing stuff on the floor, trying to hold himself back from punching Inoo for all the pain he did to himself – and Keito, too. 

Keito breathed in deeply, pulled Inoo over and hugged him tightly. He forced down his hands from his ears, kissed him eagerly and bit his tongue. “I love you. I love you, you idiot!” Keito yelled. The older one was breathing heavily while tears filled his eyes. “I don't believe any word you say...” Again, Keito took the lead and kissed Inoo fiercely. Eventually Inoo would believe his words; and most of all his actions.

 

**

 

The months went by. Inoo was going through stressful therapies and got antidepressants. They had moved into a shared apartment, even though most of the time Inoo was asleep, they tried to spent all their time together. Inoo quitted smoking and started to draw instead, because "having nothing between his fingers" was nerve wrecking for him. 

Keito spoiled Inoo with delicious food; controlled if he took his medication and also accompanied him to the therapies. Slowly and steadily Inoo got a better control of himself; the blackouts got lesser. He still did hurt himself from time to time, and they would fight about it – but Keito also learned how to comfort him, and how to deal with it. It happened less than 2 times a month.

“I wouldn't have thought we'd still sit here now, months later. Together!” Keito said with a bright smile and bit off his breakfast. Inoo was silently sitting in front of him, nodding. Not once since they started dating, Inoo ever lost a word of affection towards Keito – even then. It has been 4 years since their first date.

“Let's go! We're late for your therapy today, Kei-chan.” Keito stretched his arm out and held his hand in front of Inoo's eyes. His bright smile was contagious; Inoo joined smiling. Showing a rare happy self of himself; Inoo felt good on the way to therapy that day.

 

**

 

Keito awakened in horror. He gasped for breath but could only notice Inoo's hands around his neck. He took a hold of them; trying to stop Inoo from squeezing his throat. “Ke..i”, he pressed out and started to flounder. 

Suddenly, something wet reached his face, dripping down from Inoo. It tasted salty; so it was most likely tears. Inoo started yelling at him, finally loosing his grip. Keito pushed him aside in fear and gasped loudly. His lungs filled with air, and he coughed. Once, twice – as much air as he was able to breathe in he caged inside his body.

He calmed down eventually, looking at Inoo staring at him in despair. “Kei-chan, did you have a nightmare?” The younger one drew Inoo closer and hugged him. Just then he noticed not only tears, but also blood all over his body. “Kei-chan, let's treat your wounds.”

Inoo, caged inside his mind, stared down on his hands as Keito wrapped a bandage around it. "I hate you."

 

**

 

"If it was me, I would have broken ties with him already. Keito, you're going to break apart from this relationship.", Hikaru said and sipped on his coffee. "Inoo is poisonous." Hikaru was always worried about his best friend; but he had a feeling that whatever he told him wouldn't help. Keito was stubborn; and he was madly in love. 

Keito shrugged. He didn't believe what Hikaru said; but at one point, he certainly was right. Slowly he was breaking apart. Giving his best to support Inoo and to not lose him, his body was under huge stress. His mind wasn't at peace either; but he couldn't stop. All Keito knew was that he needed Inoo; forever. "I can't leave him, by all means." The younger boy gazed at the ceiling. 

They shared a bowl of fruits together; Hikaru was smoking from time to time and Keito would check his phone for messages. 

"I really don't understand how you can... be with a person like him." Hikaru sighed and blew out the grey-blue smoke. "Can't I be your light?", he whispered and looked into Keito's eyes; surrounded by deep dark circles showing his exhaustion. The older one put his hand onto Keito's fingers and took a hold of him. Keito chuckled a bit but shook his head. "Kei-chan is my light." 

He leaned back and ate some grapes. "You're my best friend Hikaru, that night should have never happened...", he explained again and tried to look Hikaru in the eyes. When he noticed the sad look on Hikaru's face his body cramped. Keito was looking for words of comfort, but as he was about to say something, Hikaru started smiling again. "I know, silly. I was testing you." Hikaru bit his tongue and clenched his teeth. 

The elder one winked and emptied his coffee. "I'll treat you today. Next time is your turn.", he said. With these words he patted Keito's head and left without any additional explanation. Keito looked after him for a while, until Hikaru was far gone. 

 

**

 

They were sharing their bed and cuddled to each other. The sheets were freshly changed, white and not a single drop of blood was on it anymore. Inoo was lying next to Keito – the younger one facing his back. “How was it, getting fucked by Hikaru, and then coming to my place?” Keito cringed and closed his eyes. Even months later this talk was still hurting him and ripping apart olds wounds. He bit his lips and looked for an answer. "As I already told you- it was horrible.", he whispered. “You met again. What did you talk about?”, Inoo asked again.

“Hikaru advised me to break up with you”, Keito said and stared into the air. “Isn't that what he told you, too, Kei-chan? I know you met up with him many times.” Inoo's body twitched for a moment. “...yes”, he answered. “Look me in the eye –“, Keito mumbled and stroked down Inoo's back. He was naked. 

Inoo ignored him at first, but then gave in and turned around, face soaked wet from tears; “What do you want –“ Keito's bright smile made his heart jump slightly. “I want to tell you, no matter how much you hurt me, I will not step away from your side.” Inoo blinked. “You can cut all of my body, if you need to-", Keito explained. He stroked a strand of Inoo's fringe aside and continued talking calmly, "I want you to hurt me, I don't want you to hurt yourself ever again.”

“I don't understand –“, Inoo whispered and stroked Keito's neck, that – from the last strangle – was slowly turning violet-yellow. “I want, whenever you feel like hurting yourself, you hurt me.” Keito whispered and took a hold of Inoo's hands, wrapping them around his neck. “As hard as you can – I want you to hurt the person you love the most.” The older one stared at Keito in disbelief for ordering him to do a thing like that. It sounded like out of this world.

“... because I want you to understand how it feels like, when the person you love the most feels pain.” Keito closed his eyes, so he couldn't see Inoo shaking his head. Finally, the elder one started to understand. He hugged his lover tightly and kissed his lips. “I want to become the best boyfriend–“, he said happily. Keito smiled at him again, nodding encouragingly. 

“I love you –“, whispered Inoo and removed his hands from Keito's neck.


End file.
